Boss Hogg Is Alive And Well

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by on December 26, 2011 at 4:52 AM

When I was a youngster in the 80′s my parents would go out on Friday nights and a sweet old lady named Mrs. Bennett would come baby sit my siblings and me.  She would bring us all kinds of tasty treats and put on the Dukes Of Hazard for us to watch.  The Duke boys were the coolest people in my young opinion and I wanted to be just like them.  I wanted to drive a fast orange car with a flag painted on it and jump creeks where suddenly the road went out.  Of course they wouldn’t have to jump those creeks if it weren’t for the villain Boss Hogg and his minion Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane (and his dog Flash).  They were frightening yet comical.  A couple of bumbling idiots who had no reason at all to chase the poor Dukes.  Mrs. Bennett is no longer with us but the Dukes of Hazard live on forever.

Today I read an article about a poor woman who was traveling during this holiday season.  While going through security in the Las Vegas airport she was pulled aside because of a suspicious item in her baggage.  It was a small cylindrical shaped object with a gel like substance inside.  The TSA agent, who didn’t seem to have a dog named Flash with him, questioned it and called over his supervisor who informed the young lady that she could not, in fact, take her cupcake, mainly because of the frosting on the plane with her.  She was saving this cupcake for such a time when her young child might become hungry.  Its something that happens, and I’m only speculating, thousands of times a day.

Let me put this into a perspective that me, as a young child, could understand.  The woman in question was like the poor Duke boys (except she’s a woman) just driving along minding her own business.  The scanner is like the creek that the road has suddenly washed out from.  The TSA agent is Sheriff Coltrane and his boss is Boss Hogg.  The TSA decided to hit her up with a bogus charge while the boss approved.  Unfortunately, the woman was not able to jump the creek in this example and she was forced to leave the General Lee aka her cupcake behind much to the chagrin of her poor child.  Are these two “lawmen of Hazard County” bumbling idiots?  My friend, the evidence speaks for itself and I rest my case.

in Pop Culture, TSA

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Why Social Networks Are Making You Fake

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by on September 2, 2011 at 11:39 PM

“The truth shall set you free” – Jesus

There is a new mental illness called “Facebook Depression” that is sweeping the nation!  While researchers are still trying to figure out if this is a real ailment or simply another way already depressed people become depressed more, I’m jumping on the band wagon and have decided to become depressed from using facebook.  I never like to be the last person to adopt new technology or at least mental illnesses cause from new technologies.  I was one of my first friends to get Blackberry Thumb after all!

So how does one go about getting facebook depression if that’s what they think their calling is in life?  Funny you ask.  Facebook is a place where people come in masses to talk about how wonderful their lives are.  More and more we read about our friend Jeff who seemingly has the perfect life. Jeff wakes up well rested every day, has the latest video games and is always swinging in his hammock.  We look at pictures of Jeff on the beach having a grand time with lots of beautiful women and take a look around our house and see nothing but normalcy.  Well, we can’t have that so we plan a trip to the zoo and take 200 pictures.  For the next 200 days we post a new picture about how fun the zoo was and let people comment and tell us how wonderful our lives are.  We live pay check to pay check but we have 200 more days before we have to go somewhere else and take more pictures so we’re golden!  Now, we’re just like Jeff and every day is amazing.

Social networks are a great place where we can post great things about our lives for everyone to see and envy.  Its something that is intoxicating and the more we do it, the more we want to do it.  Meanwhile, poor Janet has just started using facebook and isn’t going to the zoo every day for 200 straight days.  Janet’s life sucks in comparison.  She has to get up at the butt-crack of dawn and go to a job where she’s under paid and over worked.  Soon Janet starts to feel depressed because everyone from her college days is living the dream.  Janet plans a trip to go out with co-workers to the local bar and takes 90 pictures of her and her friends partying.  Now Janet’s life is one big party for the next 90 days.

What everyone doesn’t know is that while they post a picture of them at the zoo every day they know its fake and yearn for a life like their friend Janet but Janet is depressed because its been 50 days since she went out and wants to go to the zoo every day like you.  Instead of being real people post the best of the best of their lives.  And this is how you are becoming fake.

in Featured, Pop Culture, Technology
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Your Favorite Celebrity Is Still Alive!

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by on August 24, 2011 at 12:54 AM

Scheezo

Twenty years ago it would be news if your favorite celebrity died.  Especially if that celebrity was someone like George Clooney who is relatively young, seemingly healthy and has taken life by the balls.  To open the Sunday paper and read that George Clooney is alive on the front page was unheard of.  Yet, in this strange online world in which we live in, the equivalent is heard of.

These days if you want to pull a prank on the world and declare someone dead, its pretty easy to fool the world with just a few things.  There are actually a couple different directions you could go with this one.  The first thing you will need is a twitter account.  Next, you’ll either need access to a website with a convincing URL such as “http://www.RealCelebrityNews.com” or hundreds of gullible followers.  My guess is the easiest route to take will be the hundreds of gullible followers, but website wouldn’t hurt either.

If you do choose to go with the website you’l need to copy your favorite cable news or local TV news website and post an article stating so and so has passed away.  You need only write three real paragraphs max.  No one will read more than that before they start tweeting “OMG! GUESS WHO DIED?!”  After that you can write “blah blah blah” or “Sike!”  At this point, whether you’ve set up a web page or not you need a lot of followers, preferably people who don’t know you but like to retweet you.  From there you just start tweeting “OMG! CHARLIE BROWN IS DEAD!”

In this age of social media, pranksters and people who don’t verify anything before they post something as a fact, its way too easy to pass off a hoax on the masses.  This isn’t limited to 13 year olds or the guy in the trailer park sitting around in his underwear collecting social security.  Many “legitimate” journalists have been fooled as well.  In 2009 a college student named Shane Fitzgerald edited the wikipedia page of deceased composer Maurice Jarre to include a false quote. Wikipedia is often used as a resource for journalists yet they never verified the validity of this quote. The sad thing was no one noticed that this was a hoax until a month later when the student finally fessed up.  This is a great reason why we should not trust journalists or anyone else on the internet!

in Celebrity, Featured, Pop Culture
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Observations Of A Celebrity Critic

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by on August 21, 2011 at 4:04 PM

When you were young your parents told you you could be anything you wanted to be when you grow up.  While this might be true, many people do not grow up to become what they wanted to be.  This is especially true of people who want to work in the entertainment industry as an actor or model.  So when little Jane grows up and goes off to college only to graduate and see that her friend Janet who didn’t go to college is now a famous actress, what is Jane to do?

Little Jane studied journalism or English with a minor in acting and ends up working for a magazine.  With a little hard work and a calculated move to New York City she wakes up one day an attractive, slightly overweight, 25 year old party girl who tells people why their favorite celebrity’s red carpet ensemble sucks for a living.

I’ve made many observations in this celebrity obsessed world we live in.  Lately, every time I turn on the cable news channels I see more and more celebrity news.  Whenever there is a celebrity news story that makes headlines such as the royal wedding or J.Lo splitting up with her man, we see a Jane.  The irony of Jane is that I’m willing to bet her dream was to become a celebrity herself but she ended up not having the look.  As a result, she’s writing magazine articles about celebrities who do have the look, thus securing her own fate of never having the look.

You may be wondering what the look is.  The look, my friend, is thin, beautiful and full of botox.  Jane, however, is slightly overweight, just pretty and uses only makeup to hide her imperfections.  How can anyone take these people seriously?  The answer is their readers.

The reader is a soccer mom who barely gets dressed each day, is more overweight and needs someone to live vicariously through.  Its an endless pyramid that does nothing but make us all feel bad about ourselves.

The real interesting thing is Jane often writes articles about how bad so-and-so-flavor-of-the-week looked on the red carpet last night.  I’ve done research and found that many of these critics are very poorly dressed themselves.  No wonder the celebrities can’t stand them.

Next time you’re watching a cable news anchor interview a fashion or celebrity expert, you’ll see I’m right.

 

in Celebrity, Fashion, Featured
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A Funny Thing Happened In The Office Today

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by on August 19, 2011 at 12:51 AM

Working in an office building is like a new adventure every day.  The difference between the people is amazing.  Some people seem so uncomfortable to even be around another human being while others act like a company of 400+ people doesn’t have enough people in it.  There are a few situations where the human dynamics really shine!

The Bathroom

There are certain laws that govern the bathroom and some people follow them and others clearly do not.  The general rules of the bathroom say you do not talk to one another unless you are both in the sink area.  Once you enter the toilet area you should avoid eye contact and speaking at all costs.

Once you are safely in a stall you must remain quiet.  You want people to be baffled that the door is closed and locked because you never want to alert anyone that you’re there.  If your body decides that it will alert people against your will you absolutely must cover this alert up with a polite cough.  When you reach for toilet paper you must be as quiet as you can.  Toilet paper manufacturers do not make the cardboard tubing inside the roll symmetrical so if you pull too hard the toilet paper roll will bounce and make a lot of noise alerting people to the fact that you are inside the stall.  Once you are wiped and clean you must plan your exit carefully.  You want to make sure no one is in the common area of the bathroom because you don’t want anyone to see you.  They must either exit or be in a stall themselves.  If someone walks up to the urinal you can try to sneak out without alerting them but this is quite a risky move.

For the love of all that is good in the world, do NOT forget to wash your hands.

The Hallway

The hallway is another funny place although it is not nearly as funny as the bathroom.  When two people are walking in opposite directions toward each other this is a very uncomfortable situation for many people.  You will find three types of people.

The first type will avoid eye contact at all costs.   They will look in to offices as they walk, stare at the floor or even pull out their phones and act like they’re texting or emailing and are far too busy to notice you’re there.

The second type of person is the type who craves attention.  They will stare you down until you’re in vocal range and then smile and ask you how you are doing.  These are the friendliest kind.  They will sometimes talk to several people in their cubicals as they move throughout the office having one continuous conversation no matter who is talking back or even if they’re talking back at all.

The third is a hybrid of the two.  They will carefully plan their greeting ahead of time.  They see you a good distance away and look away as if they haven’t seen you.  At the last second they’ll look up and act like they suddenly noticed you and greet you.

Working in a large office is as exciting as walking a large city.  I wouldn’t want to work anywhere else!  Tell me about your office! Am I right?

in Featured, Human Dynamics
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