Boss Hogg Is Alive And Well

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by on December 26, 2011 at 4:52 AM

When I was a youngster in the 80′s my parents would go out on Friday nights and a sweet old lady named Mrs. Bennett would come baby sit my siblings and me.  She would bring us all kinds of tasty treats and put on the Dukes Of Hazard for us to watch.  The Duke boys were the coolest people in my young opinion and I wanted to be just like them.  I wanted to drive a fast orange car with a flag painted on it and jump creeks where suddenly the road went out.  Of course they wouldn’t have to jump those creeks if it weren’t for the villain Boss Hogg and his minion Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane (and his dog Flash).  They were frightening yet comical.  A couple of bumbling idiots who had no reason at all to chase the poor Dukes.  Mrs. Bennett is no longer with us but the Dukes of Hazard live on forever.

Today I read an article about a poor woman who was traveling during this holiday season.  While going through security in the Las Vegas airport she was pulled aside because of a suspicious item in her baggage.  It was a small cylindrical shaped object with a gel like substance inside.  The TSA agent, who didn’t seem to have a dog named Flash with him, questioned it and called over his supervisor who informed the young lady that she could not, in fact, take her cupcake, mainly because of the frosting on the plane with her.  She was saving this cupcake for such a time when her young child might become hungry.  Its something that happens, and I’m only speculating, thousands of times a day.

Let me put this into a perspective that me, as a young child, could understand.  The woman in question was like the poor Duke boys (except she’s a woman) just driving along minding her own business.  The scanner is like the creek that the road has suddenly washed out from.  The TSA agent is Sheriff Coltrane and his boss is Boss Hogg.  The TSA decided to hit her up with a bogus charge while the boss approved.  Unfortunately, the woman was not able to jump the creek in this example and she was forced to leave the General Lee aka her cupcake behind much to the chagrin of her poor child.  Are these two “lawmen of Hazard County” bumbling idiots?  My friend, the evidence speaks for itself and I rest my case.

in Pop Culture, TSA

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Why Social Networks Are Making You Fake

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by on September 2, 2011 at 11:39 PM

“The truth shall set you free” – Jesus

There is a new mental illness called “Facebook Depression” that is sweeping the nation!  While researchers are still trying to figure out if this is a real ailment or simply another way already depressed people become depressed more, I’m jumping on the band wagon and have decided to become depressed from using facebook.  I never like to be the last person to adopt new technology or at least mental illnesses cause from new technologies.  I was one of my first friends to get Blackberry Thumb after all!

So how does one go about getting facebook depression if that’s what they think their calling is in life?  Funny you ask.  Facebook is a place where people come in masses to talk about how wonderful their lives are.  More and more we read about our friend Jeff who seemingly has the perfect life. Jeff wakes up well rested every day, has the latest video games and is always swinging in his hammock.  We look at pictures of Jeff on the beach having a grand time with lots of beautiful women and take a look around our house and see nothing but normalcy.  Well, we can’t have that so we plan a trip to the zoo and take 200 pictures.  For the next 200 days we post a new picture about how fun the zoo was and let people comment and tell us how wonderful our lives are.  We live pay check to pay check but we have 200 more days before we have to go somewhere else and take more pictures so we’re golden!  Now, we’re just like Jeff and every day is amazing.

Social networks are a great place where we can post great things about our lives for everyone to see and envy.  Its something that is intoxicating and the more we do it, the more we want to do it.  Meanwhile, poor Janet has just started using facebook and isn’t going to the zoo every day for 200 straight days.  Janet’s life sucks in comparison.  She has to get up at the butt-crack of dawn and go to a job where she’s under paid and over worked.  Soon Janet starts to feel depressed because everyone from her college days is living the dream.  Janet plans a trip to go out with co-workers to the local bar and takes 90 pictures of her and her friends partying.  Now Janet’s life is one big party for the next 90 days.

What everyone doesn’t know is that while they post a picture of them at the zoo every day they know its fake and yearn for a life like their friend Janet but Janet is depressed because its been 50 days since she went out and wants to go to the zoo every day like you.  Instead of being real people post the best of the best of their lives.  And this is how you are becoming fake.

in Featured, Pop Culture, Technology
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Your Favorite Celebrity Is Still Alive!

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by on August 24, 2011 at 12:54 AM

Scheezo

Twenty years ago it would be news if your favorite celebrity died.  Especially if that celebrity was someone like George Clooney who is relatively young, seemingly healthy and has taken life by the balls.  To open the Sunday paper and read that George Clooney is alive on the front page was unheard of.  Yet, in this strange online world in which we live in, the equivalent is heard of.

These days if you want to pull a prank on the world and declare someone dead, its pretty easy to fool the world with just a few things.  There are actually a couple different directions you could go with this one.  The first thing you will need is a twitter account.  Next, you’ll either need access to a website with a convincing URL such as “http://www.RealCelebrityNews.com” or hundreds of gullible followers.  My guess is the easiest route to take will be the hundreds of gullible followers, but website wouldn’t hurt either.

If you do choose to go with the website you’l need to copy your favorite cable news or local TV news website and post an article stating so and so has passed away.  You need only write three real paragraphs max.  No one will read more than that before they start tweeting “OMG! GUESS WHO DIED?!”  After that you can write “blah blah blah” or “Sike!”  At this point, whether you’ve set up a web page or not you need a lot of followers, preferably people who don’t know you but like to retweet you.  From there you just start tweeting “OMG! CHARLIE BROWN IS DEAD!”

In this age of social media, pranksters and people who don’t verify anything before they post something as a fact, its way too easy to pass off a hoax on the masses.  This isn’t limited to 13 year olds or the guy in the trailer park sitting around in his underwear collecting social security.  Many “legitimate” journalists have been fooled as well.  In 2009 a college student named Shane Fitzgerald edited the wikipedia page of deceased composer Maurice Jarre to include a false quote. Wikipedia is often used as a resource for journalists yet they never verified the validity of this quote. The sad thing was no one noticed that this was a hoax until a month later when the student finally fessed up.  This is a great reason why we should not trust journalists or anyone else on the internet!

in Celebrity, Featured, Pop Culture
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Why You Love Reality TV

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by on August 11, 2011 at 1:54 AM

Yes, this is a short one tonight.

There are so many different types of reality shows. Reality talent competitions like American Idol, reality game shows like The Amazing Race, celebreality or just reality that isn’t reality like The Real World. For over a decade now, ever since Survivor hit the good ol’ USA, Americans have been captivated by it. Studio execs love it because its cheap and easy to make. The real question is, why would we rather watch a “Reality” show as opposed to a scripted show with a great story written by expert writers.

The first two reasons are: editing and vicarious. Editors are paid well to make a story where there might not even be a story. They take out all the mundane every day fluff and create a story line. The second word, vicarious, is how we imagine ourselves trying out for the show and becoming TV stars.

There also seems to be a deeper reason and that is to make a complete fool of ourselves.  Everyone has that inner fool inside them that they just need to get out.  It surfaces at the most unlikely times.  Like when you spill your coffee all over yourself and go all over TV to say you’re going to sue somebody.

Often times we’ll be watching Survivor and see them eating some disgusting dish like behemoth Siamese twin worms and say to the person next to us, I would eat that for a million dollars!  The fact is that many people who have eaten these things on the shows knew in the back of their heads that they weren’t going to win.  The one thing they knew for sure was that there was a camera in their face and millions of people were going to be watching them.  How about a show like Big Brother where contestants often have to do funny things for a whole week like dress up like a bunny or eat slop.  Wearing a bunny suit isn’t going to score them any brownie points with their competitors but you’re the first one at the party to say “I’d wear a bunny suit for half a mil!”

Ladies and gentlemen, you know you want to make a fool out of yourself.  I rest my case.

 

in Featured, Pop Culture
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You Think You Want The iPhone 5 Because Its Cool

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by on August 9, 2011 at 2:09 AM

The world cannot wait for Steve Jobs, in his blue jeans and black mock turtle neck, to get up on a stage and start telling us about the latest and greatest iPhone. The iPhone 5 will no doubt be an impressive device packed full of cool new features that will set it far beyond the latest android device and light years ahead of any blackberry. Instantly the Apple website will be hammered with people looking for information on it. AT&T and Verizon will start licking their chops as pre-orders start rolling in by the thousands. APPL will suddenly be the only stock on any market that is going up. It will be another exciting time in America and the rest of the world.

You will think to yourself that you need this phone because of all the amazing features. This simply is not true, however. The real reason you will want this device will be because Steve Jobs is the world’s greatest salesperson.

For a couple years I worked as a salesman at a Nissan dealer. I had to quit because I was too honest and had to work too hard for a sale. My sales manager was always preaching to us that we should do a world class product presentation to our customers. Go around the car, point to everything on the car and give them a feature, a benefit and then close them on that thought. For example, “This is our retina display. This makes everything look amazing. That’s incredible!” Steve Jobs’ presentations are full of this. You don’t want it because of the amazing features, you want it because you’ve been sold dozens of times on this product to the point that you really believe you have to have it.

Very few things sell themselves. Food and drugs are about the only things I can think of. Even with these items there is a lot of competition in these markets. Marketing has a lot to do with sales but ultimately you have to be sold on an item through marketing. I am not saying it is a bad thing to buy an iPhone, I like them a lot, but you only think you want it because it is cool.

in Featured, Pop Culture, Technology
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